This comes from a text conversation I had with my sister on Friday. We were supposed to be going out.
H: I’m on my way
Me: Okay. I’m awake, just making myself human.
H: I thought you were a dragon. What are you making yourself human?
Me: People get scared if I turn up all dragon-y, so I’m putting a human suit on. It’s a bit of a tight fit, constraining even.
That’s what it feels like to mask, to be less than my authentic self, I’m wearing a tight, restrictive ‘human suit’, forcing me to act in limited ways that make me uncomfortable at least and hurt at worst. When I’m stressed or anxious and I’m forced to not pace or chatter by other people saying “Stop that.” etc. I’m hurting. I get that people are uncomfortable with me not acting like a ‘normal’ person, but they aren’t in pain because of it, I am.
Just another fun thing about being autistic in a majority non-autistic world.