Just kill me now.
Okay, I’m joking. Well, mostly. Don’t kill me, I’m too busy. Novels to write, books to review, that sort of thing.
I’m house hunting this week. I’ve seen three properties so far, since I found out my landlord is selling the house and kicking me out, and none of them have really been suitable. They’re either too small, too expensive or need loads of work doing that I haven’t got the skills, money or energy to do. Also, at one place there was a creepy neighbour. I’m visiting two houses tomorrow, and a house and flat on Saturday. Something has to come up soon, because I’m running out of time.
But that isn’t the problem, we’re working on that. My sisters have got my back.
No, the real problem is I haven’t got the mental energy to write. I’ve got things started, three novellas and the editing of Fire Betrayed, but can’t find the spoons to keep at it. Spoon theory is, if you’re unfamiliar with it, the theory that, every day you wake up with a certain amount of energy, visualised as spoons. Neurotypical and not chronically ill people have a never-ending supply of spoons, chronically ill and non-neurotypical people have a limited number of spoons that can vary day to day.
Each activity uses a spoon – getting out of bed, showering, eating etc. – and when you’re out of spoons that’s it. They can’t be saved up, they reset every day. The idea of spoons was first developed for the chronically ill by Christine Miserandino at http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com . Since its development ‘spoons’ has become common parlance in online chronically ill, mental illness and neurodivergent communities.
Thinking about moving, packing, planning, phoning lettings agents, viewing houses, the general pressure of trying desperately to find somewhere to live, find the funding to move and wrangle with the social housing system (I’m only allowed a one bed flat, which is inappropriate for my medical conditions – I really need a two-bed house with a garden to help manage my condition’s and because sometimes I really need someone to stay with me) all use spoons. If I make a couple of phone calls in a morning, that’s it, I’m done for the day. I’ve spent a lot of time collapsed on my bed sleeping or dozing, struggling with feelings of extreme low mood and exhaustion, a wish for it all to just go away because I can’t cope.
I’ve had a nap this afternoon, after visiting a flat with my older sister, and seeing our younger sister and her partner, and our mum for a cup of tea and planning meeting afterwards. It’s helped a bit. I’ve had the energy to complete an assignment and submit it for my Writer’s Bureau course and to write this blog post. I’m going to get some antacids now and go to bed. It’s been a long day.