Good morning and happy new year.
It’s that time of year again when people make all sorts of resolutions to change their behaviour, usually in some superficial way, for the coming year. As usual, I am refusing to play along. It’s still winter(and will be for another few months), I’m in hibernation mode, so instead of making resolutions I’m reflecting on the past year and considering what I’ve learnt.
This year has been a struggle with my mental health conditions and with financial instability. I think I’ve come to the new year slightly stronger than I was a year ago. I can deal with household crises if I have a bit of back up when I have to deal with companies (thanks Elaine and Dad), and I can make my money stretch to cover the odd treat as well as the bills. I’m still struggling with social interaction. Parties and crowds overwhelm me, too much noise feels like it’s worming it’s way in to my head. I have coping strategies now though and I can apply them. I just have to remember to. I’m remembering to eat regularly and take my medication, most of the time, and I try to not go too many days without leaving the house.
I’ve learnt that there are certain things I need to do to maintain my mental health, boundaries I need to maintain and thoughts I have to question. Just because my mind is telling me my friends are ignoring me and that I’ve been abandoned, (In have massive problems with feeling abandoned by people and always have – there is nothing rational about this) that doesn’t make it real. Just because my brain is telling me I’m an inconvenience to everyone, that doesn’t make it true. I need to express how I feel rather than bottling it up and then exploding with irrational rage. Saying ‘you hurt me when you do/say/etc. this’ is not more trouble than it’s worth. People aren’t going to stop loving me because I’m being honest (and most of them are used to my randomness anyway).
I’ve learnt that I can survive pretty much anything, because I have gone through a lot in the last few years and yet, despite coming close on occasion, I am still alive. I have a job and friends, a supportive family and my meds. This year will be better than last, I’m determined that it will.
Happy New Year