13th June 2015

I’m really, really tired, and it’s not even half seven yet. I went for a walk this morning to the local Methodist chapel; there was a vintage and craft fair on.

An old school friend of my sister organises them. I planned to have a walk round and then come home – I’m practicing interacting with people. I bumped in to another friend and ended up staying to sew a lavender heart in the sewing class. After, I had a cup of tea and a catch up – mainly we talked about plants – with my friend, before I actually got to look round the fair. I got a few ideas, bumped into the organiser again and then am old neighbour who was selling cards.

I had to converse with all of them, as well as strangers in the sewing class. I find it really, really draining, talking to people for extended periods of time.
Or just being around other people. I don’t even have to have talked to anyone.

No amount of tea can restore my energy. What a terrible thought.

How do people do it? Being ‘normal’ must be exhausting? I’ve tried, it made me ill. How do people manage an entire lifetime of social interaction on a daily basis?

I’ve had to do social interaction every other day this week as well as today. I couldn’t manage more than that. I’ve tried, it almost killed me. Unfortunately, I’ve found, people think I’m lazy or just not making the effort because I can’t manage to be ‘normal’.

I politely suggest people take their ignorance for a long walk off a short pier. Depression and anxiety have physical symptoms as well as psychological symptoms and effects. One of them, for me at least, is exhaustion when interacting with other people, or when I’m in busy places. I get oversensitised too, as in a normal conversation seems to become too loud, and aggressive, even when the person I’m speaking with is talking in their usual tone and volume. Television becomes grating, even if I like the program or film, and I generally feel overwhelmed and crave silence and to be alone.

It’s not even as though this only happens when I’ve been around people all day; my maximum is about two hours, unless you’re one of the tiny number of people I fine soothing to be around. Then I can be sociable for five or six hours. Then I need a bit of space, and gods, am I a bitch on the train home!

It’s not that I don’t like people per se, I actually find people fascinating and I love learning about other people’s lives and experiences. I just can not be around people for too long.

I’ve been home about five hours; other than the exhaustion I’m not feeling too bad. I’m not overwhelmed anymore, and my sensitivity is back to normal I might even be able to watch the television later.

If I don’t fall asleep first.


In other news, the craft fair gave me an idea. My sister and I might get a table at the next one and sell some of the things we’ve made, just to recoup costs, not for a profit. We craft because we find it therapeutic, but it does cost money and we end up with stuff all over our houses. There’s only so much we can give away to friends and relations as gifts. So, I can make my animal keyrings to my heart’s content now, knowing they won’t end their lives decorating my bookshelves and gathering dust, but will be useful to someone (and I’ll be able to buy more material. All the pretty, pretty material.)

In writing news, I’m making progress on the novel (or novel one of three), I manage about 1900 words a day, except today, I’m not up to writing more than the few hundred words I wrote before I went out this morning. New things keep happening to characters, including, but not limited to, war, death and disappearances. Suddenly my main character is helping organise a raid on a pirate nest and then going on a cruise.

I have no idea where this came from, but it does work well with the storyline. Basically there will be a war, the characters have been trying to avoid said war but a confluence of events make it inevitable (that’s where the deaths and disappearances come in) Other characters, as yet to be introduced but who will play a big part in the second book, will broker a peace deal. Exile returns, only to betray main characters (more deaths), who then have to go on the run (if they’ve survived the betrayal part). Thus leading to book two.

There are other elements that I’m keeping close to my chest, but the basic plot is simple enough. I’m trying for character driven, engaging plot with an element of fantasy and a sort of early modern society. I don’t know how well I’ll succeed.

I’ve sent my third assignment back for my writing course.my first two assignments had really good feedback, but I’m not sure how well this one will do. I preferred my first draft of the article I had to write but it was an imaginary interview based on my experiences and I couldn’t in all conscious submit it, even as an assignment exercise. In a few months, depending on how things go with the selling my keyrings I might be able to make something useful out of the exercise though. I could find a different market for it and rewrite.

I’ve been writing this for an hour, it’s just gone eight fifteen in the evening, is that too early to go to sleep? My dogs don’t think so, they’re snoring already.


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