Can’t sleep

Random, middle of the night, partly stream of thought ramblings because I’m having a down day (week, year, whatever).


I’m tired, it’s after midnight, I haven’t had a nap this afternoon. I have taken my meds.

Yet I cannot sleep.

Damn.

I’m feeling twitchy and choked. Does that make any sense? Seriously don’t know why I’m feeling so down. I was fine last week. Until Monday afternoon I felt fantastic, a bit nervous about moving, but nothing major. On Monday morning I woke up fairly cheerful but by midday all I wanted to do was lie on the sofa. I tried reading but couldn’t concentrate; it was the same when I tried writing. After I’d been to my appointment at the jobcentre I went shopping. Once home I resorted to therapeutic baking (fruit crumble -it was yummy) and felt better. Didn’t sleep well (at all).

Tuesday was a ‘normal’ day despite not really sleeping; neither ecstatic nor melancholic. Other than another trip to the jobcentre (they’re getting so very boring now) I had a good day. I did a bit of editing on the novel, even though I’m only half way through the second draft, I read a couple of books, I made a bolognese type thing for tea. I like cooking (and eating).

I didn’t sleep well, I felt all twitchy but thought it was because I’d had a short nap after cooking.

Wednesday started out well, but I struggled to concentrate on anything anyone (my nephew mostly) said, the telly or anything I read. I didn’t feel depressed, just a bit out of it. The walk in the Sun to the jobcentre, nephew in tow, helped, but by four I’d started to drift again. I thought I was tired, but I’m not so sure, in the light of the way I felt by seven, that it wasn’t the warning sign that I am heading in to another downer. I tried to concentrate, my sister came home and provided me with Cherry Bakewells, tea and a couple of episodes of The Walking Dead series 4, and still I couldn’t focus. Got home at seven, snapped and snarled at Mum, ate tea, went to bed to read.

At this point I did the most sensible thing I could think of. I text E and also my baby sister (she has a good, if only occasionally written, blog), about other stuff to distract myself. And because E usually makes me laugh. I needed to talk to Helen about a book I’m reviewing (review will probably be up tomorrow) because the subject area is more her speciality than mine. Still waiting for a response, I suspect she had an early night.

When distraction by communication didn’t work I started reading another book I’m going to review later in the month. About ninety minutes ago I put the book down because my eyes were itchy and watering because I’m tired (no afternoon nap!).

And immediately I got twitchy and choked. I feel anxious, a visceral anxiety that sits on my chest; I wish I knew what I’m worritting about. My brain won’t shut up, chattering about anything and nothing. My feet are rubbing themselves together. My arms ache, my eyes are watering. I need to sleep!

Why can’t I sleep?

Actually feeling a touch better for writing this. Still twitchy but the choking sensation is letting up a little. I’m going offline to try to sleep again.

Good night.

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One thought on “Can’t sleep

  1. sleep in peace and wake in joy! You can have it if you want it! This is not for special people, this is for people like you!

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