Random, middle of the night, partly stream of thought ramblings because I’m having a down day (week, year, whatever).
I’m tired, it’s after midnight, I haven’t had a nap this afternoon. I have taken my meds.
Yet I cannot sleep.
I’m feeling twitchy and choked. Does that make any sense? Seriously don’t know why I’m feeling so down. I was fine last week. Until Monday afternoon I felt fantastic, a bit nervous about moving, but nothing major. On Monday morning I woke up fairly cheerful but by midday all I wanted to do was lie on the sofa. I tried reading but couldn’t concentrate; it was the same when I tried writing. After I’d been to my appointment at the jobcentre I went shopping. Once home I resorted to therapeutic baking (fruit crumble -it was yummy) and felt better. Didn’t sleep well (at all).
Tuesday was a ‘normal’ day despite not really sleeping; neither ecstatic nor melancholic. Other than another trip to the jobcentre (they’re getting so very boring now) I had a good day. I did a bit of editing on the novel, even though I’m only half way through the second draft, I read a couple of books, I made a bolognese type thing for tea. I like cooking (and eating).
I didn’t sleep well, I felt all twitchy but thought it was because I’d had a short nap after cooking.
Wednesday started out well, but I struggled to concentrate on anything anyone (my nephew mostly) said, the telly or anything I read. I didn’t feel depressed, just a bit out of it. The walk in the Sun to the jobcentre, nephew in tow, helped, but by four I’d started to drift again. I thought I was tired, but I’m not so sure, in the light of the way I felt by seven, that it wasn’t the warning sign that I am heading in to another downer. I tried to concentrate, my sister came home and provided me with Cherry Bakewells, tea and a couple of episodes of The Walking Dead series 4, and still I couldn’t focus. Got home at seven, snapped and snarled at Mum, ate tea, went to bed to read.
At this point I did the most sensible thing I could think of. I text E and also my baby sister (she has a good, if only occasionally written, blog), about other stuff to distract myself. And because E usually makes me laugh. I needed to talk to Helen about a book I’m reviewing (review will probably be up tomorrow) because the subject area is more her speciality than mine. Still waiting for a response, I suspect she had an early night.
When distraction by communication didn’t work I started reading another book I’m going to review later in the month. About ninety minutes ago I put the book down because my eyes were itchy and watering because I’m tired (no afternoon nap!).
And immediately I got twitchy and choked. I feel anxious, a visceral anxiety that sits on my chest; I wish I knew what I’m worritting about. My brain won’t shut up, chattering about anything and nothing. My feet are rubbing themselves together. My arms ache, my eyes are watering. I need to sleep!
Why can’t I sleep?
Actually feeling a touch better for writing this. Still twitchy but the choking sensation is letting up a little. I’m going offline to try to sleep again.