I think I’ll just keep quiet from now on

This weekend was great, until I came home.

Film night and television series afternoon

I had an Aliens marathon with E; I can’t say I’ve seen any of the Aliens films before but we watched Prometheus, Alien and Aliens yesterday, and then this afternoon we watched the first series of a television programme from 2004 called Hex. I vaguely remember it.It’s about a girl at a mixed boarding school who gets mixed up with a fallen angel. Her best friend dies and comes back as a ghost.

I applied for a few jobs yesterday but had no luck finding anything today. Ah well, something will come up.

Communication is key and I have boundaries; or, I keep arguing with people

So, all was good until I got home. It was a bit of a shock to see my shrubs, plants I’ve been tending for the best part of ten years and finally managed to get hedge-like, chopped down. It doesn’t look very good and upset me a little as well as shocking me.

When I got in all my trophies, archery tools and little knick knacks
had disappeared. It turned out they had been boxed up but since nobody had told me that I got a bit frantic. I like to be told when my things are being moved about.

I sent a couple of text messages to mother and my older sister explaining how I felt and now they’re both angry with me.

I get nagged for not saying what’s up when I’m unhappy or angry, then when I do try to express my feelings I get scolded like a small child for not going along quietly and having my own opinion.

I’m not upset about the plants anymore and I know where my things are so I’ve calmed down about that; I’m still distressed about arguing though, and about the hypocritical attitude people have. I know I fly off the handle about stuff sometimes, but I need warning if my home environment is going to change suddenly. If people don’t warn me I’m likely to panic, and react badly. It’s a thing I do; the anxiety makes it difficult for me to evaluate changes without panicking.

I shouldn’t have text either of them while I was upset but if I hadn’t said something at the time my feelings would have festered and messed with my head. It would have triggered a depression, which is no fun for anyone. That’s what usually happens, followed by an unexpected outburst about something innocuous once the dam on my emotions breaks.

I really don’t think they get it, though. For all they claim to understand, they really don’t. If they did why don’t they act like it? I’ve been this way for at least fifteen years, it’s not as though my sudden mood swings, anxiety and dislike of change to my home environment is a new thing.

I’m not coping well at the minute.

Everything is hard to deal with; I need time to adjust to being out of work and to moving, but I don’t feel like I’m being given that time. It’s making me insecure and anxious. I’m at the doctors on Thursday; I doubt I’ll get any extra help but I need to go. For now I’m just going to go back to not feeling anything and telling people what they want to hear when they ask how I am.

Because the people who should actually be bothered clearly don’t want to hear the truth. Or that’s how it feels.

I know my sister is pushing to get things done because we have a time limit and to be honest mother won’t do anything unless you giddy her up; that’s why she’s in this mess as it is. If she’d done something a year ago, two years ago, then there wouldn’t be all this rushing about now. But she didn’t, so my sister is trying to sort it all out and she’s very single minded when it comes to clearing out.

Thus we have the root of the problem. I feel that they don’t respect my need for time to adjust, my sister wants to get everything organised, and mother just wants it all to fix itself without her actually having to take any initiative. My sister shouldn’t have to do everything, but if we left it up to mother nothing would ever get done.

I feel better now, my other sister rang, we talked, she has an acrobatic hamster called Sophie

Now I’ve got that off my chest, I’m going to try to sleep. Two estate agents are coming to value the house in the morning and I should probably be almost human and dressed when they turn up. I need to make a start packing up my bits and pieces in my room.

That is not a task I’m looking forward to, though the books will be more daunting.


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