I think I need to go back to the doctors

Things are a bit…unstable right now. And so am I.

Oh, by the way, my family probably shouldn’t read this post, for their own peace of mind.

I didn’t sleep last night.

Yay insomnia. Anxiety induced, choking me while I try to sleep.

I spent most of Tuesday and Wednesday in bed, not sleeping, I couldn’t face the thought of leaving my room.

My room is safe.

Still choosing my room, but I need to go out.

Got an appointment with the jobcentre tomorrow; need to do some prep work at the library.

I’d rather stay in bed.

I’m not coping well with everything that’s happening at the moment; I don’t know how to talk about the situation. I haven’t been doing well since Monday. I was fine then, filled with energy and determined to find a job as soon as possible.

On Tuesday I had completely lost my drive. If E hadn’t text to ask if I wanted to come for tea I’d have stayed I’m bed all day, rather than getting up at half two.

Yesterday the only reason I got up was because I received a letter from my dear friend M, in the Netherlands. It gee’d me up enough to consider taking the dogs out.

If I didn’t have to babysit my nephew this afternoon I wouldn’t be leaving my room today, I feel so down, and the thought of leaving the house has me choking on anxiety. It feels like an physical weight on my throat, like when Gyfa accidentally puts her leg across my neck so she can get closer to me for snuggling (Gyfa is one of my hounds, they have developed competitive snuggles to such a fine art, occasionally they strangle me).

I’m in a difficult situation, probably not so difficult when compared to some people’s problems but for me it’s hell. My mother has to sell the house. She’s moving in with her partner, leaving me to find my own place. Which is great, I need my own space.

Except I’ve just been made unemployed. The JSA benefit I’ll get won’t cover the bills I have at the moment, let alone the rent, gas, electricity, council tax, food, petrol etc. It’s stressed me out to the point where my medicine is pretty much useless.

For crying out loud, I had a panic attack in Sainsbury’s yesterday evening over which juice to buy! I started considering ending everything because at least that way my problems would stop being a worry to my older sister, who is trying to get mum organised while working and looking after her own family.

Don’t worry, it passed quickly enough; I haven’t seriously considered suicide in at least a decade, not since my niece and nephew were born.

So right now I’m a bit of a mess; I kinda want to stay in my bed crying, for the time being. Just long enough for things to resolve themselves.

I’m trying so fucking hard to be ‘normal’ and to ‘keep my chin up’; to look for a job and deal with all the housing people and the jobcentre, but I can’t do it, I can’t cope any more.

I should probably go see the doctor again.

And just to prove how messed up things are. My fruit and salad delivery has just arrived, giddy doesn’t cover how I felt for a few minutes.

Now I’m down again, although I feel slightly better than before.

A nice even emotional state would be nice…

These sudden ups and downs are not fun at all. Worriting about something after dad rang this morning tipped me from my usual depression in to ‘pits of hell’ mode. Which is why I wrote the above post. Then I went back the other way to ‘giddy’ because fruit and veg was delivered – I have pineapple, I love pineapple, it’s fantastic – and now I’m back down again to sort of calm, slightly depressed, I can probably cope with doing something today to do with moving. I’m probably going to start sorting my book collection.

All in the space of half an hour.

I was at this point a year ago! The major changes in my life that are currently taking place, have set my recovery back a year.

Ain’t it fantastic?


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