I managed to leave the house today 🙂 The errand I had to run was a partial success and I got a chance to visit Ellie, and also arrange to meet F for lunch a week Friday as we’re due a catchup.
There wasn’t much conversation at Ellie’s, there never is. She’s one of the few people I can sit in silence with for hours. It’s not that we have nothing to say to each other, it’s that we don’t feel the need to constantly talk. It’s very soothing.
While I was there my sister text. She needed me to make her laugh. We arranged to talk once she finished work. I normally provide the funnies when people I love are feeling down. If I can’t fix the problem then I can at least help them find a comic perspective. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, if people feel I’m being inappropriate. Humour: my defense and comfort.
I spent the best part of two hours talking to her about a particular problem, politics, family, family politics and mental health disorders. They all had a bearing on the particular problem I mentioned. I was hugely touched when she repeated something she’d said in her text this afternoon, that she understood now what I have to deal with ‘every time I open my mouth’. She also said she underestimated how insightful I can be. My answer was that I can be very insightful, I just don’t say everything I know. Being completely truthful, I also don’t write everything that I think either. I give the gist of events, the people concerned, in very private matters, know all the details. Please keep that in mind.
Hi rosie. Getting a taste of how you feel at the moment from… I will never criticise you for speaking your mind again!
Edited text – to protect my bro-in-law, and his undeserving birth family.
I’ve never learnt to edit what comes out of my mouth, unlike what I write, which is always written and rewritten three or four times; I say what I’m thinking, or it’s very obvious – from my facial expression, hesitancy and awkward words – that I’m not saying something. Given time I eventually manage to express myself suitably, but demanding an instant answer will result in a blunt and honest reply. People know this, yet still it surprises them. It gets nasty sometimes.
So I keep silent.
Second (third actually, Ellie and I discussed diversity in the original Star Trek series and disappointment in the JJ Abrams films) interesting conversation I had this evening was by text, with A, one of my good friends, MH to my JW (Ellie is SH; I have discussed our weird Sherlock dynamic before I think?)
Just general chit chat until we started talking about books, specifically the feeling of having a stack of books on the go and still wanting to start a new book. It got a bit silly after I mentioned that some days I fantasize about being able to read two books at once, one in each hand, one eye on each taking in the words. Obviously brain melting and manky carpets would follow such an act. We speculated about the appropriate methods for brain removal from carpets.
I told her about a book I’m reading at the minute, on a subject that I find absolutely fascinating, polyamory. We’ve discussed the subject before with E; it’s a part of the novels both A and I are writing. That happened quite independently; I didn’t know she was also planning a novel containing polyamorous characters when I planned mine. I only learnt earlier this year after my first draft was finished. In turn her novel has been a couple of years in the planning, I understand. Perhaps it’s because we have similar interests that similar ideas appear in our writing?
She identifies as nonmonogamous, and she’s the first person I’ve ever talked to about my own nonmonogamous inclinations. She reassured me that I’m not weird for being comfortable with, and attracted by, the idea of simultaneous multiple partners.
Tonight in fact.
Until I had to do the research for the novel I had no idea other people were like that, and was embarrassed to be researching polyamory. Hell, I didn’t even know the word existed. I discovered it by accident while following a trail across the internet. If I hadn’t had the support of my friends Ellie and A, and the open minded environment they create together, then I’d have probably spent the rest of my life feeling guilty and abnormal. I’m going to keep researching; at the moment I’m trying to find more information about ‘Relationship Anarchy’.
That one of my mottos is ‘love is love, everything else is socially constructed bullshit’ might have been a clue that I don’t exactly feel comfortable with the traditional mononormative social paradigm. The other, by the way, is my family motto ‘Don’t let the bastards grind you down’.
How I managed to have two deeply meaningful conversations in an evening, when normally I need to have imbibed quite a lot of vodka to talk at all deeply, is beyond me. It’s a conditioned response; I need deep, intense conversation yet I’m too shy to actually start conversations with anyone.
I really had to think before writing about my conversation with A about polyamory; it’s not something I would normally do, but as I wrote in my recent letter to SH, fuck it, I’ve got stuff on my mind that I need to write about so I’m going to. I don’t want to censor myself anymore to appease other people’s sensibilities. This is important to me.
Advance warning by the way, this Saturday night is ‘Vodka and Sillyness Night’ (formerly ‘Vodka and Jackass Night’ but we’ve expanded the range of silly allowed). There maybe inappropriate or downright nonsensical posts. I advise caution when approaching my blog at that time. Since I don’t frequent FaceBook much anymore I need somewhere to write daft things, and this is my blog, isn’t it? We also drunk tweet.
Good gods, it’s midnight! I have to be up at seven for work. I’d better stop writing/rewriting and go to sleep.